I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize