I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize