Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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