i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
