Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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