Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
