for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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