I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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