just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
