I'm going to jail i love you
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
