I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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