ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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