so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
