You just made me feel so damn special
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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