THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
