woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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