I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize