I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize