It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
