you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
