Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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