i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
