oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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