thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
PANTIES FOUND
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