I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize