I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
