I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
