I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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