Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
