your parents love me but you hate me
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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