no, he came in my armpit
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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