I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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