Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
