Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Drunk is not a location!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
