I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
