i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
