A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
