I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
