Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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