mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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