woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
