I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
