I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think a kid would responsible me up
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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