my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
