Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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