When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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