they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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