i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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