if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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