If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
