The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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