im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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