Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
