i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
